Pain is His Savior
by Aeary
Summary: Everything has a cause, including the reason why Ritsuka loves the man he does. BoyXBoy, SouRi.


**I took an impromptu break from writing my Kuro fic to do this one. :3 I had fun with it, all the same. *goes back to writing "Bonds"***

**Rating: M. If you aren't comfortable with BoyXBoy and smut, now's the time to back out. Don't say I didn't warn you. ^.^ Ritsuka's age changes the further into the story you get, so I can't call this shota. **

**Disclaimer: Loveless is the property of Kouga Yun**

**.**

**Pain is His Savior**

**Shadow's Obsession**

Call him a masochist, but his favorite time of the day happens to be just after his mother will beat him.

It isn't because of the pain, not exactly. No, it has to be the prospect of grabbing that phone and dialing the number to the one person that will always be able to come and calm him down. Soubi always knows, the second he calls. There are no hellos or greetings when the call is answered. Instead it is an "I'll be there in a few" that welcomes him. And then, once he hangs up, he will let himself bleed all over the bathroom floor while he waits.

Aoyagi Ritsuka doesn't look forward to coming home to a violent mother. It is just that as soon as he does something wrong, he knows that there is going to be someone to rescue him. It has fallen into a sort of rhythm. Get hurt, call Soubi, and let him in ten minutes later. His mother never knows what happens. Chances are, she thinks he takes care of everything himself. But he has stopped doing that sort of thing years ago—ever since he met his beloved Fighter.

Soubi tends to swoop in without any warning half the time. Once or twice, he will know before the Sacrifice does that something bad is going to happen. The only thing better than calling Soubi after getting beaten up is coming to his room to find the man already there. He never says anything; he has stopped complaining about what Ritsuka goes through a long time ago. He merely stands from where he has taken a seat on the bed and holds out his hand. It is times like those that make Ritsuka admire the self he has become after losing his memories. He could never hate himself when Soubi cares for him so gently.

It is a mix of pain and pleasure . . . like sex, Soubi had once said, but in the end, only good could come of it. The pain of his injuries and the pleasure of his Fighter's care clashes constantly. Misaki seems to get more violent every time, but along with that, Soubi takes more time to soothe him. Once, he had even wondered . . . if his mother decided to hurt him to a point where she crossed a boundary, what would Soubi do? He doesn't necessarily want to find out, because he doesn't _want _to be hurt that badly, but he is in fact curious.

He's been sent to the hospital on various occasions, by Soubi's prodding. Four times, to be exact, and only one of them has been because he has been hurt in a fight. Twice he's been hit over the head so hard he's had a concussion, and the last time because his mother had gotten a hold of a kitchen knife and stabbed him. Soubi makes sure the doctors don't ask questions about the injuries, and he stays with Ritsuka through the entire thing. Twice his mother hadn't even known that he had been to the hospital; she'd been too concerned with trying to find her 'real' son to notice when he wasn't at home. He doesn't particularly care any more. He is tired of her mental breakdowns at this point, because now he knows he isn't going to change back into the old version of himself.

But this is the _last time. _He knows he can't deal with another bashing from the woman he calls mother, even if it means Soubi won't care for him so tenderly anymore. She is leaving scars that won't disappear, and Ritsuka realizes now that he doesn't want to grow up like this. He wants to have a normal life, with Soubi beside him as an equal rather than a father figure.

And to do that, he needs to kill her.

He asks Soubi to help, of course. The older man agrees wholeheartedly, with the condition that Ritsuka needs a plan for what he wants to do. For that matter, he doesn't _want _to hurt his mother. But something has to give, and he knows that it isn't going to be her. There is simply no way around it.

He will fight back.

**.**

It's only natural to have second doubts when he is about to go through with it. Ritsuka, with his hand resting firmly inside of Soubi's, stares up at the stark white building fearfully. "Soubi," he finally sighs. "I don't know if I can do this."

The blonde man cocks his head to the side and smiles down at his charge. "You're the one who wanted to do it first. Backing out now would make you a coward."

"I don't want to be a coward. I want to stop this. I just . . . don't want to hurt her." The child sucks in a deep breath, letting the air fill his lungs as he wills his confidence back. "I know what I have to do."

"And what is that?"

"I have to kill mother."

And Soubi smiles yet again with a reassuring nod. "Then let's go do that."

**.**

He slides his shirt off slowly, trying to postpone the inevitable. The stranger sitting across from them is staring curiously in a way that makes Ritsuka want to turn around and run out the door. But he can't; he knows the only reason he's being examined is because he has something to show. Still, he has a moment where he freezes before Soubi is helping him, pulling the shirt over his head without any hesitation. Once it is off, Ritsuka knows that there isn't any going back.

"My mother is beating me," he breathes out firmly as he turns to face the third person occupying the room. There, it's out . . . it's going to be over soon.

The mental doctor—for that is exactly what he is—rises to his feet as he asks calmly, "And how long has this been going on?"

The hard part. Ritsuka knows he will probably be chastised for waiting so long to take any action. But at the same time, he knows they can hardly blame him. He loved his mother—he still does—and he didn't want to see her get hurt. It is only now that he realizes what she has been doing to him all this time. She doesn't love him back.

"For four years," he finally answers, but as he does his hand floats back behind him to find Soubi's. "I should have said something earlier, but I . . ."

"It's only natural that you wouldn't," the doctor brushes off, much to Ritsuka's surprise. "Children are raised to love their mothers. I'm sure it was the same with you. Does she have a reason for beating you?"

"Yes." He sucks in a panicked breath as the doctor leans in, examining the newer scars and running cold fingers over the spot where he had been stabbed. "She says I'm not the real Ritsuka. I lost my memories, and she didn't like it. You can stop it, right?"

The doctor smiles at him in a way that lets him know that everything will be all right, but there is a seriousness to the smile that gesture him all over again. He squeezes Soubi's hand tighter to help with his fiercely beating heart. "We can take her in, Ritsuka. But this is more than just a case of physical abuse. She has attempted to kill you before, hasn't she?"

He bites his lip at this statement, refusing to answer. He doesn't _want _to answer something like that, even if she has.

Surprisingly enough, it is Soubi that answers. "I can give you details, but she has tried to kill him several times."

"Sou—"

"Hush. We have to be thorough. If you want to do this, you have to go all the way."

"Ritsuka," the doctor states firmly. "If she is stable other than her abuse, she may be tried for attempted murder."

"She's not stable. Father wouldn't even go near her."

"Is this man your father?"

Ritsuka blanches at that; the notion that Soubi is his father is laughable, to say the least. "No! Father died a year ago. He drank too much. Soubi is . . . he's . . ."

"His potential guardian. I'm Agatsumi Soubi."

He has to stop and stare at his companion then, because of all things he was expecting Soubi to say, that was not one of them. Soubi knows that he likes his privacy, and he wouldn't dream of making Ritsuka move in with him. But if it is necessary, then it is a comforting thought that Soubi would be the one to take care of him. Eventually he turns back to the person in front of him and nods his agreement.

"Thank you for telling me this, Ritsuka," the doctor states, the reassuring smile back in place once more. "We'll come by and get your mother soon so she can't hurt you any more. After that, will you be staying with Mr. Agatsuma until new arrangements can be made?"

"Yeah." It's unnecessary to tell the truth at this point. If they know that a fourteen-year-old boy is going to live alone, they might as well just take him along with his mother.

It is done now; the deed has been taken care of. Ritsuka's mother is dead . . . dead to him, and he's killed her by turning her in. She can't hurt him any more. Granted, Soubi won't come to take care of him . . . but that only means that their meetings from now on won't be because he needs someone to take care of him. He feels like Soubi will treat him as more than a child now.

So when they come the next day, while he is at school, he believes he can breathe a sigh of relief. The madness is officially over.

Everything will work out fine . . .

**.**

It has been three weeks.

Three weeks since his mother had been taken away, leaving his house completely quiet. Three weeks since he had been beaten and in need of being nursed almost nightly. Three weeks since he has had to come inside of his own house afraid.

And three weeks since he has seen Soubi.

The blond man hasn't come around since they went to the hospital, and Ritsuka doesn't know what to think about that. Was Soubi just staying around because he was getting hurt? If so, then all of the work Soubi had done to win him over is pointless. It doesn't make any sense. Soubi wouldn't just leave him by himself. Because of this, even though he likes to be alone, he feels scared . . . scared that Soubi will stay gone.

It isn't entirely Soubi's fault. If Ritsuka wants to, he can pick up his phone and call, just to find out what's going on. But a part of him wants Soubi to be the one to make the move. He is always the one to get in touch with his companion. Just once, he wants to see the opposite happen. He won't touch the phone until he sees the little red light flash, and with that in mind, he settles down to wait.

But as more and more time passes, he begins to wonder if it is _his _fault for not getting into contact. That kind of thing has happened before; a misunderstanding can get in the way of their relationship far too easily to be considered safe. He wonders if perhaps Soubi believes that he doesn't want him anymore. That would be a lie, of course; if there is one person Ritsuka needs in his life, it is most certainly Soubi. Still he refuses to call, however; at this point he does not believe a phone call would be sufficient for what he wants to say.

Running into him is a complete accident, then; neither of them had plans to see each other. Ritsuka has run to the supermarket to purchase groceries, and it while he is rummaging around in the breakfast aisle that he finds his blonde boyfriend. The man has eyes that look like they aren't seeing anything, and immediately the boy knows that it is because of him.

And it hurts.

"Soubi?" he breathes nervously.

All at once those eyes spark with emotion, but Ritsuka can't stand it. He _hates _that the soulless look is caused because of him. For some odd reason, it makes him enraged. He doesn't want to cause those sorts of emotions in Soubi. It's just wrong.

"Ritsuka!" Soubi practically shouts, and he runs forward without an ounce of hesitation. This just proves to annoy Ritsuka further; is the man just going to act like the past three weeks didn't exist?

"Where have you been?" he demands hotly, allowing the anger to show on his face. It has been a long time, he thinks, since he has been quite _this _unhappy.

Here Soubi finally freezes, a look of hesitant chagrin striking his normally handsome features. Ritsuka can't find it in himself to think Soubi is beautiful at the moment. That would diffuse his anger to an extent that would make him forgive. And he doesn't want to forgive.

Sure enough, the entire incident is thanks to a misunderstanding. Soubi swallows nervously—the little Aoyagi is not a force to mess with—and glances down at his feet. "But Ritsuka, I assumed that you wanted to have time alone . . ."

"It's not like you to act like a child," Ritsuka snaps back, far too concerned with the way Soubi looks to care about what the man has just said. He looks absolutely _pitiful_. And then finally what the blonde has said registers in his mind, and he wants to throw himself at the man in a fit of rage.

"I did all of this so you wouldn't have to come take care of me anymore," he spits, "not so I could have _time_. Why the hell would I want that?"

"Because your mother was just taken—"

"I don't miss her." The basket of groceries that Ritsuka has been toting around drops to the floor, nearly smashing a carton of eggs in the process. But the cat-eared boy doesn't care about that; he is more concerned with grabbing a hold of Soubi's shirt and glaring up at the man. "I don't miss her, because I'm not getting hurt any more. I did it for you, Soubi, so don't make me go and regret it! I . . . need you. Don't be such an idiot! You're acting just like a teenager, acting on the surface. If I didn't want you with me afterwards I never would have asked you to come with me."

Soubi's lips twitch upwards into a smile that is slightly apologetic. "I thought that if you wanted me to come, you would have called."

"I'm _always _the one that calls. Don't you ever take initiative to do it yourself? You should have asked. Bastard." Even with that, his anger abates, leaving Ritsuka relieved just to be able to hold Soubi. "I want you to stay with me," he demands quietly. "And to think before you act."

"Of course. I will obey everything you say."

Once again, then, pain has turned into pleasure, and Ritsuka knows that they will get closer every time this happens, because they will overcome their problems. He may hate them while they occur, but in the end everything will be all right.

It _is _Soubi, after all.

**.**

Soubi is thrusting deep, deep inside of him, and it _hurts _so much . . . it hurts so much that he likes it, and he supposes that he is a masochist in the end. For his sixteenth birthday all he wanted was for Soubi to take his ears, and that is exactly what the man agrees to do. And now, wrapped in the heat of sex, the only thought that occurs to him is that this is how he likes it. Smothered in an ache too deep to comprehend and then layered over with bright emotions. It is like a beautiful cake that tastes dead. He deserves to hurt before he gets something better, after all that he's put everyone through.

It is hot, sweaty, and _naked_, and he is completely inexperienced at this sort of thing. But it is Soubi leading him, and he trusts him more than anyone, especially since the past two years without his mother have been anything but easy. Soubi takes care of him, and he takes care of Soubi. They don't say "I love you" anymore, but it is an unspoken sentiment that they both understand all too well. They can't live without each other.

And it hurts more than anything else Ritsuka has been through.

He tells Soubi not to be gentle, and as always, he obeys completely. Besides, it's easier for the blonde not to hold back, even if the person he's topping has never done this sort of thing before. He thrusts, in and out, with a force that has the boy trapped under him screaming for more than one reason. He is addicted . . . goodness knows he won't tell that to Soubi, but somehow he'll find out anyway. It isn't all about the pleasure, which is something else he will never admit to out loud.

It is _good_, though, so sinful that he can't help but to like it. He has always been perceived as the "good" child compared to his brother. Even his mother thought the same way. But just this once, he wants to be the bad one. He wants to relish this painful pleasure that he's being dealt, and he wants to make sure that no one knows this side of him. It isn't healthy; he knows that very well.

But pain is his savior, because without suffering he never would have had Soubi. Hurt him, brand him, _kill _him. If it will rescue him from being alone for the rest of his life, then he will be like a leech, accepting it. He will keep Soubi close thanks to this, because he is just like the blonde man laying flush against him.

They can only be together in this way, because it is how they were raised. They both need the pain to stay connected, because it means they have something in common that most people don't. Suffering is a sort of love for Ritsuka. And he loves Soubi, because Soubi has suffered. Soubi is imperfect, and he supposes that's one of the reasons Soubi loves him back. He won't take without giving something in return, after all.

In the end, Ritsuka guesses it's not just him who has to deal with this kind of thing. Pain is Soubi's savior too. If it weren't for pain and suffering, they never would have met in the first place. It took the mistakes of his brother to bring them together in this way. It wasn't a pleasant experience. It _still _isn't. Still, as he rests in the aftermath of their heated clash, he thinks that maybe it will be, eventually.

Because pain is _their _savior, and he wouldn't have it any other way.

**.**

***dies* As much as I picture Ritsuka being cute and all, the poor boy still has issues. I wanted to write something serious about them. **

**I love you, Ritsuka! But it's fun to torture you too, all the same . . . TT^TT**

**Thanks for reading! **

**~Shadow**


End file.
